Mirrors

I’m surrounded by broken glass
like shattered mirrors
my hands are bleeding
from trying to gather the shards
in my open arms
ashamed of the mess
I’ve created
barely able to hold it all
pieces escaping my grasp
and falling back to the ground
this is my sickness feels like
I can see my face reflecting
in all those pieces
and I’m tired of trying to carry it all
so I am finally letting it go.

Blood Flow

I want to cut

I want to bleed

I want the welts to show

And the blood to flow

And people to know

Everyone to see

What’s inside of me

Manifesting to physical scars

You can’t ignore

Something you can touch

But my head

Is stopping me

So no such luck

Bleed Through

Drag the knife across my skin

Watch it bleed now do it again

The thoughts are there

You just don’t care

This time they win

You cut again

It drips down your wrist

You clench your fist

Darkness falls

Put up those walls

Ah there it is

Release from the pain

What a frame of mind you’re in

Now how do you explain

the lines you made?

Sabotage

I had to go through hell to find you again

To awaken what once was

Walking a thin line

Of sabotage

And fear

To bring you back to me

I thought this was what I wanted

But always I just wanted you back

I wish it didn’t have to be this way

I’m so sorry for all of this destruction

Happiness or…Mania?

The dark clouds start lifting, you feel like you can breathe again. The warmth is seeping back into your bones. The light is returning…or is it? This is one of the worst feelings about bipolar. When you’ve been in a particularly long depressed state and suddenly it feels like you are happy and you feel yourself coming out of it and it turns out you actually aren’t. You are experiencing mania.

You stop sleeping well, you don’t need to eat as much. You feel that familiar euphoric state. You would think this would be welcome after being so depressed, and while yes, it is welcome, it is also terrifying in a sense. You know that it is only temporary. You almost live in a state of fear and anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the euphoria to end, waiting to feel the depression creeping back in.

It’s almost an agonizing acceptance that the depression will be back. A sad anticipation that all good things come to an end so to speak. You patiently await the darkness as if it’s an old friend. You keep taking your meds and living your life, waiting for that moment when it knocks on your door and asks for your payment. It is a ticket you have to cash. You fight it, sure. Every day, but this is the reality of the disease-at least for me, no matter how hard I fight, there are always those times when I am tired. So very tired, and I let the darkness come back and rest with me.

Stay light my friends, if you can,

-Jasmine

Photo by Rahul from Pexels

Stage

They used to call me glitter girl

But now the sparkles gone

Like confetti dropped on stage

After the last played song

The lights gone out

It’s over

Curtain calls been dropped

In case you didnt know

I’ve been long forgot

I’ve lost my sparkle… (PT 2)

I’ve lost my sparkle. My husband sat me down at the table and said this to me the other night. At first, I just rolled my eyes, but he was dead serious. He folded his hands and looked at me with this concern I hadn’t seen since I had a mental breakdown 3 years ago. You don’t wear bright colors anymore, you barely wear makeup or jewelry, for the last year you’ve been severely depressed and-you’ve lost your sparkle.

I digested this for a few days. I think I still am. I did lose it. But when, how, and where? How long has it been gone? How do I get it back? I feel like I don’t have an identity anymore. Who am I? I am wife. Daughter. The girl who works in finance. I am friend. Blog writer. But who am I? 

I used to be bold, colorful, unapologetic, boisterous. Somewhere along the line, societal constructs have told me that I have to be a certain way because I am older now. Because I do work in finance. Because, because, because. Well, you know what I say to all that? Fuck it.

I’m starting small, with a blue eyeliner one day. Red lips the next. A bright shoe. A patterned shirt. A big statement necklace. But I will not lose it forever. I don’t care what I am supposed to be anymore. I want the me back that was carefree, happy, joyful to be around. Not stuck constantly spiraling. I want to go out and meet people, to laugh and dance, and sing again. To be who I was-no, who I AM. My sparkle can’t be lost forever, and I am taking it back. Somehow, someway. This is my new anthem.

Sparkle bitches, for yourself. Because no one will do it for you, and no one can show you how. They don’t need to. It’s there inside you and it always has been.

I haven’t been writing lately… (PT 1)

Not sure if anyone has noticed. I just…have been so down that I feel like all my writing is coming from this dark place inside me. I feel like the writing itself is becoming the burden I believe myself to be. My logical mind knows this isn’t true but my bipolar brain repeats these things over and over again to me: you are a burden, you are worthless, you will never be happy again. So I stopped writing. I almost gave into the darkness. I isolated and I cried a lot. I let the voices take me where they would and tell me the things they wanted to tell me. I believed it all. The thing is when it’s this way for so long you are just so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being strong all the time. Tired of the effort it takes to try and feel some semblance of happiness. It doesn’t come naturally anymore and the light seems so very far away.

So I stopped. I stopped writing and I started a pity party. Something I have been fighting away from for about a year now. It just got too hard, too tough. But then this thing happened. As my writing got darker, the outpouring of love got brighter. Friends and family and people I don’t know, through this blog and other social media, said things to me that gave me small slivers of hope. You are loved. You matter. You’re strong. Keep fighting.  And I realized something.

I have been fighting this my whole life. I always have and I always will. I have never let the darkness take me this long or this far so why was I now? Because I’ve lost my sparkle. More in a later post on that…

Snuffed out

There’s a light inside

And it’s dying out

Everytime I see their faces together

And revisit that image

Around and around it goes

Self doubt and self hate

Soon I won’t have any light left at all…